Cotton Ferox - Deep in the night

Imagine this isn’t about music at all. Imagine it’s about perverse voyeurism. The kind where your sex and mind melt and fuse and together briskly shy away from any and all kinds of inhibitions.

I can see you through the doors you prefer to keep shut. Or do you really? I am always there. As you are always there when I choose to look.

You are more than aware of the goods you push. You are more than aware of the effect they have. You are more than willing to toy and to tease. To trip tease my mind.

I catch one glimpse, one fragment of a second. This fragment is now carved in eternity, for the uncertain posterity of like minds. Minds of the eyes, minds of the beholders, minds of those... oglers.

Faked surprise. Faked shame. Faked anger. Genuine lust.

Bless the oglers with a glimpse.

Bless them with the goods you push.

Bless them with your faked surprise.

The smaller the peephole, the greater the pleasure. A satisfying logical paradox!

Grant me the forbidden as you dance a little dance for the oglers. You know, inherently it seems, exactly what the oglers want. And as you provide, as you push your goods, you are bestowed with awesome power to make or break. Illusion or reality? What’s the difference in the state of mind I’m in...?

I am consciously aware of all this. You should be happy that you don’t have to be. That you aren’t.

The image is somewhat blurred. You move so rapidly that you appear out of focus. I’m perfectly still. In body. A perfect position. But my inner self (if it can still be called that) is a mesh of movement and temperature. Accelerating and rising.

What a lovely room, by the way. Like a small, concrete bunker, a cornucopian cubicle where everything is possible. Where the lights are dim and the vision rich in colour and texture. In the darkness all cats are gray, they say. I beg to disagree.

Gods bless the apparatus that allows me to reminisce! A fragile sheet of plastic and silver and who-knows-what that conveys a sensuous sense of certainty that it was all there after all... In place, in time, in perfect disorder.

Who are you? What on earth are you doing here? I suspect the biggest thrill is anthropological after all. A seemingly infinite number of destinies jumbled into a template of ancient, eternal, genetic behaviour and social needs, acute or emotionally selfimposed. What I try to see must surely be beyond the visual? What’s behind the hill? A valley, no doubt.

Peeling off layers of illusions and hindrances leads to enlightenment. The Eureka of the too obvious in bright, blinking lights. Where is the jewel? In the lotus? Let me see...

Hello friend.

Moving like shades, shapes, ghouls, enticing predators... Endorsed by needs quite often inexplicit and confused. What a grandiose game! What a spectacle! What a... scene! A scene culled or cut out from some medieval masterpiece, where a distorted mind conjures convincing, shocking realism in light and shadows and oil and structure. Neurotic neurons bare the essentials. We can all see ourselves in there, if we look closely enough. Only the canvas has changed.

The fat man was on drugs or drunk or both. Rambling incessantly, perhaps reciting some insane poetry of his tormented soul.

”The late Middle Ages... The known examples are still photographs... You could be obscene and drastic, the masturbator’s fantasies’ breather. You didn’t have to make any attempt to realize character, but generally... I had no idea how I was as a moralist and apostle... Quite the contrary: a movie. They possess too an exaggerated attitude of decency regarding... To establish a normal love... It’s not their sexual activity, asceticism... What disturbs these women are married in us... Feelings that are very... But do not wish to give love. The current stereotype of the threatening. Some of the tendency to indulge in creatures: the tight, tight jeans... ”Teenager” includes man’s excessive intake of food. Say, a brassiere. Most people who are immature are flagellant processions. The Cynic Peregrinus Proteus... His childhood often led... They often have an extreme... Masturbate in front of a great emotional immaturity. Speaking clothing. To be able to... Some deep or unconscious... In typical cases he posed without delay, whenever the achievement of one’s own environment consists of no more than a hat, jealousy, hatred... Inferior adults about adolescents stroll - and yet he has only to maladjust by reason... Feelings are sexual...”

I would like to peep inside the hole in the wall. What is there to see this time? And why is she in there, that creature I’ve never seen before and never will again? The distinction between the intelligent, the curious and the mentally lame. The fat man was of the lame kind. He continued to disturb me.

”Our old fairground attractions... Adolescence, obviously prurient. And I don’t want to be the provocative gait. I don’t care how I want to be kept. Because of copulation, anyone who keeps someone for money... Not the root of the trouble... Something that would do that. I’ll tell you what designed this perfection: It is with the money. Loved someone. And around him, all the sensations of dependent emotions... Dependent too would be... And drink and, yet, he... Terrible. At least let me, because I’m so dependent... Touch him. Still emotionally. I had it with my parents’ movies. Just across too. I’m getting a little... Because I feel so helpless... Eight-millimeter movies. Sly at someone’s mercy, a kind of free choice. Some street wearings only (oral pleasure). Frustrations to do it. And somehow I know the promiscuity in itself is a form... Somehow their pity deprived in a town square and of ”many loves” because of not buying sexuality. Some adopt very ingeneous complexes that interfere time - the euphoric ability effectively and with feelings of guilt, hatred, subject to coercion and a special suit. Co-emotions.These fears, and it goes without saying, and a pair of trousers... Women who are neurotic apply to typical cases. Man taking his Sunday, in early childhood, burlesque manner. They steal all the wonders...”

The cause of the flaws. Early imprints late at night. A glimpse of something that could, in the best of all worlds, be beautiful. But this is not the best of all worlds.

Scratch the surface and behold the diametrical story. Reading reverse characters and plots, marvelling at the cleverness of these male and female animals and everything inbetween them.

”I am...”

”No, you are not... You are exactly the opposite of everything you claim. Disguising your passions with brilliance and your lusts with aphorisms culled from an amoral historical tapestry. Notes from the underground, but beware of the stains on the floor...”

Hello my best friend. Let me share half an hour of my life with you. You won’t regret it.

(Thirteen minutes that were literally sorely regretted...)

The fat man continued, but noone really cared to listen...

”I chose a lesser evil. I wanted a lady, made for the conception of the base, ejected. I wanted to do that. Sacrificed, alas, on the altar, as to defy the laws of choice. And the buyer is a given for this. Sometimes he reminded me... A will for a stated period to their roles (after some lace). And he had an activity presumably at least appreciated. There is rational music all subject to shame and taboo. The Christian mysticism could really touch none. Follow this pattern. Which story of Christ’s Passion as photographs? It was in a very courageous... Have used the street, as a matter of fact, stark naked, or strut through masochistic orgies. The best for the peepshow, the choice in my life. That movie really bothered me. The bearded lady, the leg. I want to always stop whatever you order for saliromaniac voyeurs. Gives me my freedom. Act as though you were of modern prudery. True power, power of another. Going to fake it long enough of those figures. Were well to direct and command much self-love. Initial difficulties unquestionably must subject the relationship with another’s strong infusion. Not all self-exposed to their faces.”

I looked inside. I saw beyond. I begged the man to be silent as I watched a solitary female dance her little dance in a dark room, lit by only a few bulbs. Desolate, exploited, naked, at the viewers’ mercy (or lack of it). It was perhaps the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I could only focus for a second or two before the serenity of the moment was interrupted by a ferocious eruption of pseudophilosophy.

”They wish suffering, as should be. Sometimes they act. The greater the insecurity... Masochistic pornography can rush into theaters... Sexual excesses... The words of the Gospel as a legless lady. And the giant trains, crowded... I love somebody. Voyeurs have now been audacious. All exhibitionism has power over me. To ask humanitarian reasons... Used to stand stark naked... To be so demeaning... I couldn’t be able to adjust them to a congregation of people. Not wanting to be kept. I liked to demonstrate their gifts. To be in an economically masochistic sexuality, opportunity arises. Such financial independence... Possible to read the shoes, a long overcoat, the tremendous thing about this. A number of sectarian knees. An elegant gentleman better about it with them. A pretext for their Sadism... Fling the coat open. I like to believe I have some. When they were taking Ment Fraternity as the scene, they often became fat. They were doing a take on nature. But sex, as such, is excessive masturbation. Enjoying every minute of me and King Midas. He represents the seeking, right? Tough for them to shoot these perfect looking people. A feeling of frustration and consequence are unable best games. The finest food an orgasm may involve! A person. Literally speaking of it, and none of it could. Other negatives to be admired and loved at a distance. To the world, to occur among one person. The great studio where they shot neurotic influences. The same holds true for the thought of making a...”

The fat man suddenly turned silent. I withdrew my eye from the hole in the wall. The woman was just a mirage now, a hazy figure in a dream, a distant and miniature love doll for others to enjoy. I wondered if she was alive at all or just a collective projection stemming from the lurid desires of those shady characters present. Me and the fat man and... Well, no one else, it seemed.

By the door was a mirror. When looking at my reflection, I saw the image of the same fat man I had seen sitting beside me. It was definitely time to go home.

Outside the establishment in question, a fair, fine and cold day was about to dawn. I inhaled, exhaled, inhaled the crisp, cold air. I was sober and clear again. For the moment, I thought to myself and smiled. For the moment.